Amor Vincit Omnia

When I chose 2013 to be the year of acceptance, I wasn’t entirely sure what I really meant. I knew self-acceptance was a goal but I wasn’t sure how to get there. It’s a long way from “I’m not good enough (mother, wife, friend)” to “I’m worthy”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love myself plenty. But I tend to fall into the usual traps of guilt, shame, resentment, failure, anger, self-blame, etc. once in a while and it’s a dark place I’d like to learn to avoid revisiting.

As I wrote in my Acceptance piece, in order to grow, be more compassionate, loving & ultimately happy, I need to stop fighting my own self, accept who I am, own it and embrace it.

Self-compassion starts with accepting our faults and our own humanity.

I’ve done lots of reading on the subject of self-acceptance, imperfections and guilt and I’ve been getting some great insights and lots to think about.

I truly believe that the journey to “I am enough” starts with self-compassion and owning our stories. We have to be willing to give ourselves a break and appreciate ourselves for who we are, including our imperfections. We need to be kinder to ourselves first.

Letting Go Of Perfection & Embracing “Good Enough”

Letting go of perfection is the first step to practicing self-compassion. It’s the first step to eliminating guilt & self-blame.

As a kid, I equated being perfect with being loved, being worth something. I was a “good girl” with straight “A”s and a perfect attendance. I pushed myself, often in tears, through a music school because my father wanted me to be a great musician someday. It wasn’t my dream but I never skipped classes. I wanted to make my parents proud of me & love me. I didn’t want to disappoint them, let them down. Being perfect was easy back then.

It’s much harder to pull it off now.

So much what we do is perfecting & performing to make everyone around us happy. But at what cost?

Do I still confuse love, worthiness and perfection as I agonize over parenting mistakes (not good enough parent), beat myself up over failed career moves (not smart enough) or focus on my shortcomings believing that they’re behind all my troubles & failures?

Do I still hustle for approval as I do that dance we do when we don’t want other people see how incredibly imperfect & human we are?

Letting go isn’t easy.

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Our perception is constantly distorted by the perfect lives we watch on TV or Facebook. We’re bombarded by those carefully edited images and stories and it’s hard not to compare our messy lives with these ideals, even if logically we know they’re fabricated for the show.

The reality is that we all struggle and fail sometimes. That doesn’t make us a failure or bad (parents, lovers, friends). It just makes us human. And we deserve compassion & love as much as anyone.

Imperfect is good enough!

I’m ok with not having more money, better career, bigger house, shinier cars, more polite kids, latest fashion & technology swag. I say no to feeling guilty when my kids are too loud, my dog doesn’t behave, my nails are not done, my attitude is not always peachy, my backyard is a mess, my posts don’t get many comments, my Instagram pictures “likes” or when we don’t get invited to the next party and my son doesn’t make the swim team.

I’m not apologizing for what I don’t have and who I am not. Yes, our lives are far from perfect but what would the light be without the dark?

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We’re all doing our best and if we succeed, that’s great, if we fail, that’s ok too. We will be doing it all over again the next day, hopefully a little better. And that’s good enough for me!

My imperfections & inadequacies don’t define me. They just make me human. We all go through doubt, failure & suffering but rather than self-criticism, I chose self-compassion, kindness and a little bit of understanding. After all, I’d do that for others, why can’t I do that for myself?

“Owning your story and loving yourself through that process is the bravest thing you can do.” ~Brene Brown

It’s been two months since I began the “Acceptance” journey and I’m learning so much, even when I’m only just scratching the surface.

The whole point behind it was to kick-start a change. I wanted to learn more about myself, become more aware & live a more authentic, grounded life. The goal was to grow, to change my life for the better by facing my shortcomings & accepting  who I truly am.

In a nutshell, this is an exercise of self-love.

Tough one, indeed.

But I figure, if I stop beating myself up over the smallest imperfections, I’ll be not only more capable to tolerate & get over other people’s mistakes but go one step further and be more compassionate & loving. It will make me a better, happier person. At least that’s the plan.

In other words, my path to a better life starts with me.

One of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy. One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.

With the help of some great (and not so great) books, I’ve been learning more about the complexity of human nature, why we act & think the way we do, how we relate to others & what makes us happy or miserable.

Letting Go Of Perfection

Most of us have set the bar high when it comes to our own behavior while we’re typically more understanding when it comes to others. I’m very self-critical myself. I was in denial about it until very recently.

Like many, I think of myself as a person with high standards, plenty of ambition, a person who likes challenge, doesn’t fail often and lives by “if you’re going to do something, do it right”. Those are quite positive & good traits indeed. However, I’ve been using them as a cover for my perfectionism and the need to please and perform.

Is it more important that the dishwasher is loaded right, or that it is loaded at all? Do I really have to do all these things myself, or can I learn to delegate better? Why am I getting mad at myself for failing when I’ve set myself up for failure by not having realistic expectations? Would I do that to others or would I be more understanding?

The first step of self-acceptance is understanding our own humanity.

Logically, I understand that if I set the expectations bar too high (I put too much on my plate, I insist on perfect, I overestimate what I’m capable of) I’m going to be exhausted and overwhelmed and make mistakes all while being cranky and unpleasant to those around me. I also know that nobody is perfect (except in commercials).

We are all made of strength & struggle. We all strive to do our best but we’re only humans and our lives are messy at times. We make mistakes and that should be ok.

(So in theory, I have it all figured out…)

“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” ~Voltaire

(Here’s where things are different, in practice…)

Why do I feel guilty my house is messy (the dog & kids should feel guilty I tell ya), why do I feel ashamed I speak with an accent (that isn’t British), why do I feel like I have to apologize for not volunteering in school more, why do I feel inadequate EVERY TIME I fail to be patient with my kids, why do I feel I should make more money, be thinner, smarter, sexier, more popular & forever young. Why do I blame myself for everything that I’m not?

Because we live in a culture of perfection (just look at any magazine, or Pinterest, for that matter), we’re bombarded with “you should” messages, we’re challenged to go after unrealistic goals, we’re constantly pressured to fit into this mold of what life should be like: from how we should look like to how we should act, think and be. When we compare ourselves to that ideal we’re setting ourselves for an inevitable failure and a guilt-trip to boot: aren’t I failing because I’m just not enough (good enough person, smart enough employee, patient enough mother, strong enough woman…)?

And of course, we not only compare ourselves with what we see on TV or a magazine cover, we compare ourselves with neighbors, friends & people on Facebook. But I don’t have to tell you that what we see has been carefully edited & put though an “approved for the public eye” filter, do I?

We all have messy lives sometimes, we all succeed and fail, we all try to do our best, we’re all imperfect and good enough and worthy. I’m going to kick this self-blame to the curb and make room for some much more fun self-love. What about you?