It may sound cliche for some, but I’ve started this year with lots of soul searching. I am tired of being & feeling the way I am and I’ve decided something needs to change. I need to change!
Some things are messy in my life and I’ve only made them messier by being my stubborn self and not dealing with them in an honest way. My relationship with J. is suffering because of that, there’s way too much anger, resentment & being judgmental in my life right now. And there isn’t enough compassion, love & acceptance.
The heart of compassion is acceptance.
I need a fresh start of sorts, to go back to the beginning, to change the patterns I am so stuck in, to let go of my hangups, to stop being dishonest about how I truly feel and who I truly am, to unravel.
I am not unhappy or depressed but I’m not at peace with myself either. I have much to be grateful for and overall I feel content & even happy but under the surface I am at constant war with myself.
Change isn’t easy. I’ve tried it before: be less judgmental, be more kind, be more grateful. It works for a while but nothing seems to be turning any stones for good. I’d get back to my old ways, back to my patterns of thinking, doing. But along the way I’ve come to realization that may sound familiar: Everything starts with you.
If you want change to happen, be that change yourself.
If you want to be more kind to others you have to start by being more kind to yourself. If you want others to love you more, you have to start loving you more first. If you want to be more compassionate towards others, you have to start with showing compassion to yourself.
The thing is, in order to grow, be more compassionate, loving & ultimately happy, I need to stop fighting my own self, accept who I am, own it and embrace it.
By beating myself up over every mistake, I am only hurting my confidence, fueling my anger & taking it out on others. I have to put a stop to that pattern. Instead of judging my every misstep, I need to accept my humanity, learn from my mistakes and move on.
The hardest part here will be allowing myself to fail and be imperfect while still trusting that if I did my best that that’s good enough and I’m still worthy of love.
But that love must starts within me. Self-love, self-compassion, self-acceptance are where I must begin. Only then, will I be able to spread the same out to the world.