I’m surrounded by a funny bunch on Twitter. I wish I was half as funny as those guys. But then again, there’s no such thing as perfection, yo.
Thanks for sprinkling my days with awesomeness, making me giggle and keeping it fun. Also, I want to be just like you when I grow up.
My favorite tweets of 2011
Knew it was about to get ugly when I saw the lady enter the stall with her own can of Lysol.
You know what? BJ’s should be next door to Dick’s.
Used the gym’s childcare today for the first time and it was so freeing I can’t believe I spent that time on a fucking treadmill.
Dear farty cow-orker: either you plug that leak, or I will.
Mom talking to one of her friends in Paris about staying with me. Hey Mom, I know what “idiote” and “les miserables” mean.
“Hungry Like The Wolf” is on the oldies station. Off to gag myself to death with a spoon.
My only advice to new parents: Enjoy being new parents. When they can yell “I hate this family!” you need some memories.
8 Shots of espresso today… I’m wondering if cocaine might be cheaper at this point.
Dear feverish nose-picker beside me at the last 2 lights: I’m guessing your favorite song is U2’s “Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”
dear sleep lords…please sprinkle your shit all over my loverly little bastard kids so that I may enjoy a late morning…please? PLEASE!!?!
My daughter is giving me a pedicure. This right here is why I had unprotected sex 15 years ago.
I’m wearing a wifebeater and fixing a faucet. I’ve never felt more like a man.
Holy shitsnacks. My computer is apparently kicked heroin over the weekend and is bein’ all twitchy.
Foosball: $200. Kinect: $150. Misc games & toys: $600. Seeing the kids’ faces as the house goes into foreclosure after Xmas: priceless.
On behalf of Texas, I’d just like to apologize for Rick Perry.